My soul is weary within me and my heart is broken. (perfect time for God to be placed back where He belongs, at the center of my life and affections) It all began with the ACT. I came home from basketball practice yesterday and realized it was the date for the scores to be released early. I decided to get it over with, albeit shuddering at the thought of what the website would reveal. 31. 31! The EXACT same score I got last time. I couldn’t believe it. How could it be so? As lame as it may be to some of you, I wish to be truthful: I cried like I’ve never cried before. I cried out to my God asking why. Why was I such a failure? How could he allow me to do so terribly when I did nothing but pray during the test? I was a person who wasn’t smart enough to get a score I needed? I wasn’t really worried about college. I knew He would have other plans to get me the funds if He wanted me to go to Embry (If you remember, I took the ACT again to try to get the top level scholarship). What I couldn’t accept was that I wasn’t capable of scoring higher on a test. How could I become an engineer when I did 2 pts worse on the science section than last time? True, a lot of the problems were chemistry and I just began taking that, but still… I did 3 pts better on reading and 1 pt better on English, yet the -2 science was enough to keep me at the same level. I was in shock, tears streaming down my face, my breath rapidly escaping. How could I possibly pursue my dreams if I was so worthless and stupid I couldn’t do what I thought I did best, take a test?

Wow. How tragic that I had so much hope riding on my academic capabilities. “Without that, I’m nothing.” But, that’s exactly what He was faithful to remind me. I am nothing without Him. Despite my pleading with my King that this was merely a dream, I had the lines of a song (which I just found out is by Kim Hill) going through my head:


Holy, You are still holy,
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes
Lord I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection of Your love

Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change
Lord I don't deserve Your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion to You


It was very difficult to feel so conflicted. I knew my God had always been faithful, and would always be. I knew He has a perfect plan for my life. In fact, He had just preserved it so recently (last blog). But, I was more than distressed that His will didn’t include me succeeding in the way that I had prayed for. I thought, “I know you have to break me to teach me to rejoice always and trust, but did it have to be now?!” A little child am I. I still don’t understand… perhaps I never will. I don’t feel like I was trusting my knowledge to carry me. I knew the only way I could improve was if Christ was answering the questions, not me. So why did He say no? Why was I unfaithful to accept His “No, trust Me.”?

I went to one28, hastily wiping my tear-stained face. Perhaps I could turn my despair into praise, the way it should be. I sang from my heart and the songs matched perfectly. The sermon allowed me to become focused on others rather than myself. As soon as we got out, I left to get some rest and recoup from my painful night. Sadly, I found out that there was a mini celebration for Esther afterwards. I feel like crying about that, too, but for some reason His will was that I didn’t have my cellphone on to get Kim’s calls about it and that I didn’t go. At least I was able to give her many little gifts during this week. I love my jerk very much. And it is wonderful that I can celebrate later this week for her 18th, too. Well, I guess I can always ask why as long as I remember to say, “Yes Lord. I am Yours. I will obey.” soon thereafter. I can’t understand. I don’t know why. I am not God. I am a vessel, His to make succeed or cause to fail. My soul is weary within me and my heart is broken– but not for long.

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On a lighter note, it was great fun having a party for Mr. G’s birthday! We put up red and white streamers, brought plenty of food, and blew up balloons. I made a Huskers cake (red velvet, of course), too. I got some of us singing “Happy Birthday” on video. Maybe I’ll get it up on YouTube someday. Great teacher, godly man… good memories! I’m very glad we could celebrate his life.