My soul is weary within me and my heart is broken. (perfect time for God to be placed back where He belongs, at the center of my life and affections) It all began with the ACT. I came home from basketball practice yesterday and realized it was the date for the scores to be released early. I decided to get it over with, albeit shuddering at the thought of what the website would reveal. 31. 31! The EXACT same score I got last time. I couldn’t believe it. How could it be so? As lame as it may be to some of you, I wish to be truthful: I cried like I’ve never cried before. I cried out to my God asking why. Why was I such a failure? How could he allow me to do so terribly when I did nothing but pray during the test? I was a person who wasn’t smart enough to get a score I needed? I wasn’t really worried about college. I knew He would have other plans to get me the funds if He wanted me to go to Embry (If you remember, I took the ACT again to try to get the top level scholarship). What I couldn’t accept was that I wasn’t capable of scoring higher on a test. How could I become an engineer when I did 2 pts worse on the science section than last time? True, a lot of the problems were chemistry and I just began taking that, but still… I did 3 pts better on reading and 1 pt better on English, yet the -2 science was enough to keep me at the same level. I was in shock, tears streaming down my face, my breath rapidly escaping. How could I possibly pursue my dreams if I was so worthless and stupid I couldn’t do what I thought I did best, take a test?

Wow. How tragic that I had so much hope riding on my academic capabilities. “Without that, I’m nothing.” But, that’s exactly what He was faithful to remind me. I am nothing without Him. Despite my pleading with my King that this was merely a dream, I had the lines of a song (which I just found out is by Kim Hill) going through my head:


Holy, You are still holy,
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes
Lord I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection of Your love

Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change
Lord I don't deserve Your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion to You


It was very difficult to feel so conflicted. I knew my God had always been faithful, and would always be. I knew He has a perfect plan for my life. In fact, He had just preserved it so recently (last blog). But, I was more than distressed that His will didn’t include me succeeding in the way that I had prayed for. I thought, “I know you have to break me to teach me to rejoice always and trust, but did it have to be now?!” A little child am I. I still don’t understand… perhaps I never will. I don’t feel like I was trusting my knowledge to carry me. I knew the only way I could improve was if Christ was answering the questions, not me. So why did He say no? Why was I unfaithful to accept His “No, trust Me.”?

I went to one28, hastily wiping my tear-stained face. Perhaps I could turn my despair into praise, the way it should be. I sang from my heart and the songs matched perfectly. The sermon allowed me to become focused on others rather than myself. As soon as we got out, I left to get some rest and recoup from my painful night. Sadly, I found out that there was a mini celebration for Esther afterwards. I feel like crying about that, too, but for some reason His will was that I didn’t have my cellphone on to get Kim’s calls about it and that I didn’t go. At least I was able to give her many little gifts during this week. I love my jerk very much. And it is wonderful that I can celebrate later this week for her 18th, too. Well, I guess I can always ask why as long as I remember to say, “Yes Lord. I am Yours. I will obey.” soon thereafter. I can’t understand. I don’t know why. I am not God. I am a vessel, His to make succeed or cause to fail. My soul is weary within me and my heart is broken– but not for long.

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On a lighter note, it was great fun having a party for Mr. G’s birthday! We put up red and white streamers, brought plenty of food, and blew up balloons. I made a Huskers cake (red velvet, of course), too. I got some of us singing “Happy Birthday” on video. Maybe I’ll get it up on YouTube someday. Great teacher, godly man… good memories! I’m very glad we could celebrate his life.

Yea verily I say unto Thee, less than one hour after my last post at the FOF, I had my first almost accident. As I look back at it now, there were so many factors of my non-collision that could've made the situation infinitely worse, but the Lord was watching over me.

It all began when I left FOF to head home. I needed gas, so I got off the first exit to search for a station. Unfortunately, I unwittingly chose Seaway Blvd. the Boeing/Fluke heartland. Whoops. It took me a few no tresspassing signs and a bright yellow "no outlet" to get the picture. I turned around and proceeded to get back on I-5 via 526 east. The dark sky had produced gusts of wind and buckets of rain, so the roads were a bit slick to say the least. As I got on the onramp of 526 east, I was busy considering which Everett exit would be best to take and didn't notice the yellow speed warning signs. I was probably going 40, which on a nice day would be no big deal to slow down on, but by the time I realized I wasn't going to make the corner, I had to push the brakes hard to avoid smashing right into a barrier. The road was a two lane (both going the same way, of course), so I swerved away from the side (I was on the outer edge). The car was still slipping and sliding without the traction, so I had to turn it sharply to the right. This accomplished a 180 degree turn and I slid toward the guard rail next to the original barrier that had forced the madness in the first place. Facing the complete opposite direction on the ramp and sliding toward the only thing between me and a long sloping hill with trees, the only thing I could think was "No, no no! Stop... please don't hurt the car!" About 1 ft from the door, God decided to grant my request. I was perfectly parked in the tiny shoulder, barely sticking out into the lane. I sat in shock before pulling forward to get my tail end out of the road. Cars whipped passed as I began crying. It was a miraculous ending, but I had a hard decision. Not only was my prepaid phone low on cash, the battery was almost dead. The easy choice was to simply turn the car around, but the cars whipping around the corner were deadly obstacles. If I went out at the wrong time, it could be a head-on collision. How to get up to speed soon enough before the cars behind me would be forced into the same hydroplaning situation. I called my mom tearfully and promised to text "ok" if I managed to figure it out on my own before turning the phone off to conserve power. I then backed up a bit to give myself the maximum space for the turn-around. I noticed a car parked further down the hill and a man stepping out. I rolled down my passenger window halfway to talk with him. He offered to stand at the center of the curve and wave to me when it was safe to go. I thanked him and did exactly as our plan suggested. I still had the problem of needing gas. I took the mall exit and found another reason to feel naive. Apparently gas stations don't take checks... and that's all I had. The lady suggested I go to Fred Meyer and offered coffee and tea. Unfortunately, I don't like either all that much, so I declined and drove away. I found an ATM and used my bank card to get some cash. Stinking $2 fees just 'cause it's not my bank. But, hey, I was willing to pay $2 to get home away from the nightmare. Another issue arose because I had never filled up the car by myself. (I know guys especially are reading that in disbelief, but I've only fueled planes alot... sorry. Since I don't pay for the gas, I've never done it!) I was clear-minded enough to shakily enter the building and say $20 for pump 8 please. I fueled up the car a little more than 3/4 full and headed back for the freeway. I'm very glad I remembered to ask the lady for directions, there weren't any I-5 signs where I was to turn. I finally made it home and collapsed happily into the chair after a big hug from my mom. I felt terrible, though, because my dad drove to find me because the text message saying "ok" was never sent. I apparently only had .03 on the phone and texts are .05. Go figure.

The day did have a happy ending, though. I was alive, the car was perfectly fine, and my mom and I had fun at a Haggen event and going to craft bazaars. At Haggen, we sampled food, I got an apple pie chai drink and even won a dinner. The loudspeaker called for the first person to tell them the price of a German chocolate cake. We happened to be in the bakery and Mom yelled $6.99 and told me to run. I took off, muttering "I feel retarded!" as I sprinted to the front. But hey, we won a whole chicken, mash potatoes, stuffing, and squash for the effort. Not bad, huh?

So, I'm very grateful to be sitting here tonight typing this blog. I want to do so much more for my Lord and Savior before I go. There are just so many more things I'd love to experience. It was a perfect reminder that I'm not invincible and I don't know when God will call me home. Just in case I die tonight in my sleep... "I love you!" (to anyone who knows me and calls me friend) Don't waste any second of the life you have been given.

I must faithfully tell the tales of senior surprises, so here's my update. Last Saturday, we had the pleasure of going to the Farm in Snohomish. The evening began with meeting in the music room and "frolicking" on the playground. We had pizza, salad, and pop before loading into the vans and heading to our destination. Once at the Farm, we had a few group pictures and were able to visit the pumpkin patch. I picked out my traditional white pumpkin (Which I sadly never got to carve. It still looks cute, though!) and even found a nerf orange football. Next, I teamed up with Stu and Es before we entered the Washington-themed corn maze. I was the map reader and told Stu where we needed to go. He would lead the mad dash to the next place where I wrote down the answer to the trivia question. We were determined to finish first. Seeing as we were the only group who ran... we won, but ended up sitting outside the maze for at least 30 min-1 hour waiting for the other groups. We should've gone back in for sure! It was a great design and so fun to be running down I-5 and visiting "WSU" and the "Tacoma Narrows Bridge". Our wonderful prize was a ribbon. Oh yeah, baby! Finally, everyone went to the Weinbergs for more goodies and a tour for those who hadn't seen the amazing abode yet. We also celebrated Ian's birthday with yummy treats.

As for Ian's actual b-day, the decorations were impressive, kudos to Kim and Es (My parents wanted me to stay home and get some sleep, so I couldn't help after all :()! I certainly enjoyed getting fancied up in my new dress (which I wore for giving the Heritage Dinner speech as well). I got the Vahlron Chocolate Cake which we all loved so much at Kim's b-day dinner. It was a great time of fellowship with Ian, Nathaniel, Kim, JB, TK, and I. I saved a piece of the cake for my mom and dad and enjoyed seeing Ian's face when he opened his amazing mp3 gift! 60gb will keep him busy for awhile! After endless picture-taking, we were ready to leave. What happened next was quite shocking and memorable, (see TK's blog) praise God for preserving Tony, I am sure his injury could've been much worse! I must say I am a bit paranoid of glass now, though.

Eventually I will have to post my Heritage Dinner speech for you. I was so proud of my daddy speaking and the appetizers were quite delicious. I can't believe that that was my last Heritage for at least 4 years! Craziness. I'm glad Mr. Williams is going to give me tapes of the songs. I SO miss being able to sing in choir! At least I get to participate in the Christmas concert! Praise God!

Well, I'm volunteering at the Future of Flight information desk right now, so I'd better go. Hopefully this post was a bit more digestible. What can I say, I love to write, especially when I'm excited. Hug hug kiss kiss hug hug big kiss little hug kiss kiss, Nat